Hiding

By AngelaL.

Maybe my story is all to familiar but for those of whom don't understand, maybe it's not. I lived in Saint George, Utah and had my own apartment for 10 years and though I lived alone I really wasn't alone until my abuser came into my life. He was a 63 year old man who lost his wife in Missouri and moved to the complex in which I resided over two years ago. Many times after he moved into the complex would he seek the companionship of other women but the relationships never worked because he felt the need to be boisterous and controlling as well as extremely needy. One day I was sitting with my friendly neighbors when he would help himself into the conversations and his conversations were always bullying or bragging remarks sometimes constant complaining. Many of the neighbors had caught him doing unmentionable things while watching or peeping into windows as well as trying to invite himself into others homes where he wasn't wanted. As one may figure, people were a bit hesitant to want to be near him. One day after he came from his religious meetings, I was standing outside with my dog, taking in the air and playing a little bit of ball training my puppy to retrieve. He came up to me and started to try to play with my puppy to, but I already knew this man was trouble in the neighborhood. I told him with a polite attitude to please leave and though he didn't like it, he left. Later on that day as puppies will do, I opened my screen door for all but a moment and my puppy ran out to venture the neighborhood. Apparently he was sitting outside and caught my puppy. He handed my puppy back to me and asked me if I would like to have breakfast with him in the morning and said he would like for me to cook because he didn't know how. I told him I just wasn't interested and walked away with my puppy who was also my service dog. I remember well on the following Sunday as again it was a bright and sunny day, more than usual. I had the screen door open once again which commonly I did for fresh air. As my day was my common grounds for playing with my puppy and other outside activities, once again this man showed up at my apartment after his religious meeting. This time he had gone back to his apartment, changed his clothes and brought a frozen bag of fish and mandated for me to cook them. He didn't knock upon entry or even ask to come in, he just helped himself. I told him in a firm voice to leave my home and even threatened him with the calling of authorities, police. I went to grab my first cell phone off the counter but he snatched it before me. I went into the room where my office was to retrieve my other phone and as I was reaching for my secondary phone the phone he grabbed started ringing. I wanted to get that phone because I knew by the ringtone that it was my family. Sadly he wouldn't give me my phone and he did answer it only to find my Aunt was on the other end. He introduced himself as my husband but yet we were and never were involved let alone married. I'm not exactly sure what she said but I saw the expression on his face change and it was an expression that made me nervous. He placed the phone by his side after he told her to hang on. He looked at me and broke the news that my brother passed away. As things weren't bad enough at that moment and time a funeral was now where seemingly I needed to be. I told him to give me my phone and get out of my apartment and though he gave me my phone he refused to leave. I got on my phone and tried to let my Aunt know what was happening but listening just wasn't going to happen. My Aunt told me about what happened to my brother and I just collapsed. All I remember next was crying uncontrollably and this man saying for me to dry it up. Shock was all I felt and unsure of what to do was inevitable. I needed to catch a plane home to be with family and when I called my Aunt with an arrival time she said that she was told I wasn't coming because he expressed his concerns of me not going back to Utah. She said she agreed with him and ordered me to abide by my husbands rule for concern. I tried to tell her that I was never in a relationship and nor was I married, but she hung up the phone as she stated their was much to do. That was the last time I would speak to my Aunt for two years. As he did with several other women, so I found, he moved into my home. He attempted this with co workers as well as many other women over the years. I told him I didn't want him moving in and for him to just leave me alone but he had already signed papers with the landlord using the excuse of my brothers death and that I wasn't to be bothered. He even said I approved the move in when in fact I never did. I called the police to have him removed but because he signed into my apartment the police said I would have to go to court to evict him. For two years it was constant isolation, lack of food or even use of the bathroom. I was forced to sleep on puppy mats without any clothing on a cold floor and with no pillows or blankets while the air conditioning was running. He moved his late wifes things into my home and proceeded to give my stuff away. He told me I was to serve him and as long as I did we would get along just fine. At first I fought back but in time gave up just waiting to more or less for God to take me home. Neighbors knew what was happening, but somehow to them it was better for them because as long as he was beating and hurting me he wasn't bothering them. He had guns that he constantly waved in my face or held to my head, hunting knives that he at one point slit my arm with but not with a deep gash. I never knew when my life was actually going to end. He even went as far as to make me wash him in the shower, iron his clothes and allowed me one shower a month. Everything was about him and when he wanted sex, he took it. My phones he threw away, but yet he kept his. At one point I tried to steal his phone but he stood a fighting stands and clocked me in my jaw. Though his wife died, he told me I was just an affair and that he was still married. According to him, my home was there home. So much happened within the two years and no matter what, doors were blocked, windows screwed shut and yet despite all the crying and screaming I could do at first, nobody would help. His family even came to the apartment at one point and I begged with them to please take him away and in the end I found they didn't want him either because of the constant hitting and volatile behavior he brought to them as well. Their request, please don't throw him in jail. Apparently with others he may have had a history. I know the one thing he accused all nine victims of was he said they all threw pots, plates and hammers at him as I'm sure he saying that about me to, which I can assure I'm not someone who is violent as I get nervous with confrontation. Whereas my service puppy, my puppy disappeared and to where I never even knew. His reasoning for doing what he did: he was tired of watching his family have nice things, he wanted a better place to live, nice things and more money in the bank. Well, he did get everything money wise. Being beaten into submission for all your bank account information as well as internet transfer information became my nightmare. He cleaned me out right down to the last $1.27 and had disappeared. His family helped him move everything out and left me to die. Once he was gone, I did get the police but yet they believed him. He did so much damage to the apartment with nail holes or other damages that now I can't afford to pay the bill. Now he sends credit bills to my Aunts house and many times their calling. My family took me for a short time, but they told me to leave because they feared for their lives. Since then nobody is giving me a second chance for a place to live, I can't get a valid drivers license or credit cards for fear of being found. I can't do anything but exist and though I am a photographer, it's almost impossible to get my life back because his words, you can run but I'll always find you. I do the best I can with my life in hopes for that second chance, but sadly it just hasn't come yet. I pray everyday and my now best friend is my camera, I suppose if I can find a little peace and dignity in still being able to be a photographer, well I guess it's ok for now, but I'll never stop looking over my shoulders waiting for this man to find me once again.

In the end, I believe many need to be made more aware of stories not just like mine, but so many others as well. Seems like the laws are still to lenient on people who do this and ruin other peoples lives and seemingly the victims are constantly made to be victims all over again, not just by the one abuser but sometimes the system or by the lack of understanding from prospective landlords who won't give that second chance, businesses who are more interested in letting one go instead of helping by giving that chance for a job, police who judge or their hands are tied due to so many cases. I suppose if I could change anything with my story, it would be to scream to the world for many to wake up and put these abusers where there they rightfully belong, where my abuser has left me to feel, caged. Abuse isn't the thoughts of being free at the time of the abuse, it's survival.