Saved by a miracle

I was a victim of Intimate Partner Sexual violence for 2 years. It took me so much time to accept it. Because I was brainwashed and manipulated so badly in those years. His last words stuck with me for the longest. Which were "This wouldn't go so far if you'd stop this earlier." "The friends you have is because of me you think they'll believe your story?" "Can you for once try to something except victimizing yourself?"

Here is the story of my abuse over those years. These are just the parts I remember there's a lot I've actively tried to flush out of my brain. He would legit fuck me from behind lifting my skirt and throw me when he'd be done saying I'm too ugly to look at. He'd force himself into my mouth in theaters, public busses, railway stations and hold my head till he was done. He would not even hug or kiss afterwards. He'd ask for pictures and make me get approval on what I should wear during sex. He'd say I was too ugly to be completely naked. He'd get pissed if I didn't carry it and act disgusted and fight me in person and send me back crying. Once I'd worn a sheer top my mom had gifted me on my birthday... I practically begged him to not tear it but he did it anyways and smiled. He would slap me till I couldn't almost breathe and just constantly abuse and say I'm disgusting and ugly and fat and no one would wanna fuck someone as ugly as me and he was doing me a favor. I'd cry most of it.

If I'd weep or Start bleeding cause of him slapping me he'd call me a bitch and spit on my face and slap me again call me vanilla and throw me almost. Once we were at his friends house. He didn't look at me didn't even get me undressed he just hit my head on floor lifted my dress and did me. Until he was done and then he almost banged my face on the ground and said go cook food. I cried and cried in the kitchen and made pasta. As I cooked he came in pulled my hair really badly leaned me to the counter I begged him to let me go and he didn't stop. The pasta got dried cause of this. He threw almost half and looked at me like he was sooo disgusted and said You cook shit food. He threw the utensil and asked me to finish it and go clean all the utensils. And I did. He then said. You can fuck off now and didn't even hug me before I left or came to drop me till the gate. Once he whipped me with a belt I was terribly bruised I kept screaming "no no please stop" I begged... I cried. He didn't listen he kept going and hitting. I had belt marks for 3 weeks. When he was done... he said he thought I was saying no, playfully. He once bit me till I started to bleed. He said he wondered if something was wrong with him because of which he kept hurting me. I was wearing a white tshirt that day... which blotted with blood.

I begged him once that all this was genuinely hurting me. I wanted to be kissed and held. He promised me that I'd been nice enough to deserve this. I had just cut myself few days back. He said the only way he will agree to kiss me is if I act that I'm a Virgin. I agreed on it. When he tried to kiss me I kissed him back. He slapped me and said. It's pathetic doing you. You ruined the whole mood. Can't you maintain fuckin character. Why can't you do one thing right. This was my house we were at. I was dressed in what he said. I was behaving as he wanted and I just kissed him when he asked me to and I got this in return. And this battle was almost constant. Not just this he'd do this about sexting too. I'd once told him. I don't like wearing frocks cause it reminds me of childhood trauma and he fought with me for days abusing me n saying I victimize myself using what happened to me to kill his mood and constantly weep for no reason.

I started starving a lot because of his mean comments. He would say shit like you sure wanna eat that etc. I got malnourished and had to get admitted I was 18 and weighed only 37kgs. The second I got out of the hospital he called me to come have sex. I had a catheter put in me so I was sensitive and recovering. I told him to please be soft on me. He was aggressive anyways... he tore my lip and I started bleeding vaginally too. He pushed me and said he was disgusted. I felt very dizzy and uneasy. But he didn't drop me to the station. I passed out in the train and then called a friend to pick me up from the station. I lied to him that I got my period and fell. He would grab my hand in fights enough for me to have bruises... he would get high often and hurt me badly leavin me in bruises and constantly check my phone. He'd often sext I'd piss on you... I texted him I'm uncomfortable with this. I don't want this so he got pissed and said why couldn't I just say yes for his mood. He got so pissed that he didn't see me for a week threatened to breakup... abused me my parents and Said he'll only come back if I agree to drink his piss. I cried and begged him to stay cause I felt I'd be ruined if he leaves. To which he agreed to stay laughed and said I didn't have to it was a joke.

Eventually it got so bad....That we almost broke up. I'd call n cry about how hard it is changing diapers etc etc he'd say stfu and describe fucking other girls to me meticulously. And if I'd weep he'd say shit like I could never turn him on like the other girls from my class. Over these years I never had the courage to fight him.... abusing him was out of question. These years of abuse made me feel worthless. Made me loose my sense of selfworth. All of which I'm trying to rediscover.

I did a petty childish thing yesterday... I drunk dialed him. Reminded him what he did was wrong and abused him alot. I realized this wasn't a man who did wrong, back then he was almost a psychopath. I know there were clear signs of violence but I thought my love can change this beast. I loved him so deeply that I kept accepting all of this. I felt humiliated for years. I hated myself and blamed myself for not realizing it sooner... not reporting him. This was supposed to be my person, my partner. I was supposed to feel safe in a bed with the man I fell in love with. Instead it was where I felt most scared. I had been the aggressive kid growing up... gotten in multiple fights throughout school and college and never did I once come home wounded. The fact that my partner was hurting me made me feel ashamed of myself. All these years I lived in constant paranoia of him ... and his actions. I'd get flashes of what he had done in the bathroom while taking showers and feel like ripping my skin off. I'd see him switch in my current partner each time anything went wrong and I'd feel all people would hurt me like he did. I thought I would never be able to feel any true gratification after what he did to me. I still feel he broke something inside me so badly that it can never ever be fixed. I might try loving other people but I can never love myself in the same way. It's been very hard to explain this to people around me. Mostly because everyone believed dating him was a choice... not leaving the relationship too was an active choice. What's harder to understand is why I stayed... why I felt compelled to stay back.

Even after him sexually assaulting me against my will multiple times I never got the courage to talk back or fight. Even after all this it was he who left me. I'm glad he did because I could never leave him. I was almost addicted to the cycle of abuse. I only blamed myself, I believed something was wrong with me for him to behave like this with me. Because of how he saw me in the beginning with utmost love in his eyes. Over the years that love almost switched to hatred and I kept begging for it until my self worth was lost completely. I waited constantly to be saved. I wished constantly that someone around me would see the signs. Someone would notice the bruises. I wanted a miracle to take place. I wanted some angel to fall down and save me from him. Which I assume is what happened. I lost my grandmother... the day I lost her he was my immediate call because I had no one but him by this point. He hung up and said I was selfish to be thinking of myself when someone in my family had passed. To think of my own feelings and he blocked me everywhere. Covid had struck so we didn't meet anyways. A pandemic that took someone from me that was supposed to be so bad almost saved me like some miracle. I saw him once after that and I trembled and felt humiliated because after doing all this he still had anger in his eyes. Worse, he had disgust. He went ahead and badmouthed me over the years to get laid. Even then I wished I would've opened up sooner... that at least one of my friends could've noticed something. A good friend back then tried to help me once. He resorted to giving him death threats. This is the kind of monster this man was. I feared him enough to never speak my truth. However, that one call gave me so much courage... made me feel so empowered. I can never hurt him how he hurted me. I can't get him sued cause our judicial system sucks. I don't have enough physical proof and he lives in a different state now.

That call was truly therapeutic. I feel like I got at least a part of my redemption. I blocked him from everywhere. And to be honest I feel almost at peace. I don't know though if the inner scars will ever heal. I'm here praying for another miracle, another shot at a normal life.