Wide Awake Part Five: Financial Abuse

By ReclaimMyLife

Wide Awake Part Five: Financial Abuse

While in my support group, reading the Power and Control Wheel, I realized Mike had been financially abusive. He didn’t fit the description on the wheel though. The wheel talked about someone controlling a partner by limiting their access to financial resources. He controlled me by not contributing financially. It was a nontraditional approach, but had a similar impact.

A few weeks ago, at a domestic violence training session, we were discussing the wheel. I raised my hand, excited to bring up my insights about alternate forms of financial abuse. To my surprise, the first person called on to speak described something similar to my situation. Another person mentioned a victim who was the breadwinner, but had restricted access to her own money because the accounts were in her husband's name. Although, my situation may not be as unusual as I originally thought, it is still worth discussing because it does not fit the stereotype of financial abuse.

The alternate form of financial abusive used in my case was justified by a perverse version of feminist ideology. I want to say more, but I am not ready at this time.

THE PERPETUAL ADOLESCENCE

Mike is what Sandra L. Brown describes as the parental seeker, looking for "a parent, not a partner. He needs you so much. In fact, he needs you to run his entire life for him. It is hard for him to do adult things like go to work, make decisions, be consistent, or act grown-up. He will shower you with lots of adoration, but he has very low functioning capabilities." (How to Spot a Dangerous Man Before You Get Involved)

After my first dance lesson from Mike, he invited me to a party at his house. It was the last he would have there, since the house had just been sold. At some point during the party, I offered to help him move. I was on my fall break the next week and had not made any plans yet. Also, I was completely enamored with the dance community and anxious to learn more about it.

I did not realize he was moving into someone’s basement until we took the first load of his belongings over. I wondered why, it seemed like a heck of a downsize. I assumed Mike did not intend for his new accommodations to be permanent, since we put most of his belongings in a storage facility.

Mike explained that he had been an engineer for twelve years, but had decided he needed a change (he left out that he had been fired following a physical confrontation). He told me that he was studying for the MCATs, and planned on attending medical school (he left out that it would be his third and final attempt to pass the exam). He was moving into a friend's basement to cut his expenses and stretch the money he had saved to cover his education (it later turned out the money in his savings had been inherited from his grandmother). He was not planning to sell his Prius (he actually didn’t lie about the Prius, although he led me to believe that he had bought it when in truth his parents paid for both the car and college).

COMBINING RESOURCES

I am not certain that I asked Mike directly if he planned to work once we moved in together. I assumed he would, based on my understanding of relationships and the belief that he planned to become a doctor. But as soon as we were living together, he decided not to take the MCATs. He told people that he realized he could not spend that much time away from me, because he loved me so much. Although, he apparently did not love me enough to pay his portion of the bills.

I ended up keeping an online class from the school I taught at before we moved, working full-time as an instructor where we lived, teaching dance with him on the side, and starting a meet-up for some additional cash. It was just not enough. It would have been, if we had not moved into a house which required dual incomes. We had the additional expense of replacing objects broken during Mike's outbursts of anger. And because he didn't want other dancers to know his financial situation, he freely spent my money. Even with multiple jobs, I was sinking into debt.

After the wedding, I moved all of my money into his bank account and was added to his credit card. As we went further and further into credit card debt, he suggested that we teach more dance lessons and workshops. I explained that I was at my limit, and asked that he teach without me. Mike insisted that was not an option. He did not want to teach without me and he did not want to teach with anyone else. We did teach, but we always spent as much as we made. We needed speakers, microphones, mixers, Bluetooth devices. Packages arrived in the mail daily.

I finally convinced Mike that he needed to contribute financially, so he started tutoring four to six hours a week, at MY school. It was not enough to get us out of debt, but some months we broke even. Through all of this, Mike never touched his savings or added me to that account. The only time he dipped into it was for my engagement ring. I suspect, but can't prove, that over time he used money from our checking account to reimburse that expense. Since I did not keep the books, it is difficult to say.

Once in a while, I asked Mike to get a full-time job. His go-to response was to cry hysterically. Even the thought of writing a resume was more than he could bear. If I brought it up again, the emotion elicited was anger. One of our therapists explained to Mike that I could never meet his desire for attention in part because of structural differences. I had three jobs and he worked part-time. I explained that Mike would get upset if full-time employment came up in conversation, and Mike demonstrated the standard response. He suggested that perhaps going back to school could be an option for him. Mike going to school did relieve some of the emotional stress of never being able to satisfy his need for more attention from me, but it added to my financial burden.

When I left Mike, I knew I would lose the money I had in his accounts, but I managed to get my monthly check rerouted to a new account that I had opened. I also grabbed $5,000 of the $11,000 we had been gifted for a honeymoon we never took. I tried to take my name off the credit card to cut our last financial connection before the Separation Agreement went into effect, but he would not close it and they would not remove my name.

A SINCERE THANK YOU & APOLOGY

When I took the money out of our account, I was with friends who were smart enough to think of the financial aspect of my situation at a time when I wasn't. They also suggested I change every password, from Gmail and Facebook to my bank accounts and Dropbox. Once we had finished the project, I was able to kick back and relaxed for a minute.

I do not know if I would have made it through the first month after the final assault without Rose. She realized that when Mike saw the account the next day, I would be in grave danger. Unfortunately, he was scheduled to tutor a few doors down in the building where I would be teaching. I thought about calling in sick, but she offered to come to work with me to ensure my safety. I should have told her not to, but I was too grateful for the support and not really thinking straight.

She came to my class and held my phone, waiting. I lectured, keeping an eye on her. Then the bombardment of texts began, revealing Mike's anger and hate. She nodded toward me and mouthed, "I've got it." She caught him in the hall, heading for my classroom, and convinced him to go out to his car to talk.

To her: I AM SO SORRY! I should not have put you in that position! I did not realize the emotional cost!

When I look back I think, if he had attacked me in my classroom that day, this would all be over.

Try, if you can, to understand that this is an improvement in my thoughts. For a few months all I could think was that if he had only killed me, people would stop questioning, they would not be having the same conversations. No one would say, "he killed her, but is he a danger to anyone else in the community?"

LEGAL FEES

After I left one of the hearings for my protective order, I checked the budget app on my phone. I saw $8,000 in charges on our joint credit card, which he was not supposed to be using. I called the card company and demanded, again, that they take me off the account. She reiterated that they could not take me off the card. I asked what the charges were for, and she informed me that the money went to a criminal defense attorney.

Becoming upset, I explained that he had abused me. He attacked me and was now setting me up to pay for his legal defense! She said that they were sorry but my only option was to close the card. I stopped, “Wait, I can close the card?” Mike had not made this clear when the Separation Agreement was drawn up.

Side Note: The Separation Agreement is necessary because, according to the law in my state, you cannot file for divorce until you have lived separately for a year and a day. People can use a Separation Agreement to become financially independent prior to divorce.

I said, "Great close it!" She said that if I faxed her the Separation Agreement, they would send Mike the final bill.

While working out the details of the Separation Agreement, Mike and I had a few interesting discussions. At times, he would go into victim mode, begging and pleading with me not to separate from him financially because he could not support himself. This may have been a legitimate concern, since he is still not living on his own. But at other times, he claimed he had "pulled his weight" financially while we were together. I was baffled, and asked how he could have contributed his share while never paying half of the rent or other bills. He explained that because I had two children who lived with us, his portion of the bills was only one fourth. I told him once that he had to choose a position, if he really had pulled his own weight, he should be able to support himself. He stopped, and in a rare instance in our relationship, took what I said to heart. That was the day he signed the Separation Agreement, and the end of my alternate form of financial abuse.

MEMORABILIA

There was one more exchange, which involved personal property. Mike had asked a mutual friend, or someone I thought was a mutual friend, to organize a trade. In the rush to move, Mike had ended up with a box of trophies. A few belonged to my son, but most had belonged to the father of my children, who died in 2001. Mike was willing to give the box of memorabilia back in exchange for my wedding ring. I remember the person who was doing the exchange for us asking if I was sad. To the contrary, it felt like I was getting "blood off my hands".