Wide Awake Part Four: On Sex and Soda

By ReclaimMyLife

During the three years we were together, Mike and I faced multiple issues surrounding sex and sexuality. Some more severe than others. I've briefly described them here.

ATTENTION ADDICTION

Mike mentioned on a few occasions that he felt he had no control over his lust. If someone, anyone, showed him attention he was completely "sucked into it". Women who flirted with him would dominate his thoughts for sometimes weeks after their interactions. He would "hyper-focus" and soak up the attention, whether or not he found the other person attractive. During these periods he could not focus on anything else, he would forget his responsibilities and any plans we had.

THE VIDEO LIBRARY

Mike was in bed with his computer hooked up to the television screen. We were supposed to work on a dance lesson and he wanted to show me a video. When his cell phone rang, he handed me his computer to pull it up. Because I did not know where it was stored, and did not want to interrupt him, I clicked on recent files. The file that had been accessed most recently was an explicit video of Mike and his previous girlfriend. He had told me that the relationship was a disaster, but it was the best sex of his life.

I was hurt, which I let him know when he got off the phone. I had to leave to collect my thoughts for a few hours. It took that long to get my head around what I'd just found. I returned and asked him how many videos he had of her. There were over a hundred, not just of her, but with all of his former partners. I asked to see the one he had been watching. I wondered why he chose it.

He said it would be difficult for me to see, that sex with her was satisfying because he could "completely dominate" her. I could not relax, let go, and allow him to have complete control of me. I did not process it at the time, but in the video only Mike looked directly at the camera. I do not know if she was aware he was recording. Or she may have consented to something she didn't really want to do in order to appease him. What I can say is the video should have been a warning. I was eventually taped without my consent or knowledge. At least three times.

AN OVERACTIVE LABIDO

Mike wanted to have sex seven or eight times a day. I would contribute what I could, he handled the rest on his own. The more he enjoyed our sex, the faster he wanted to do it again. He would often be ready for more within ten minutes. The discrepancy between his ideal and our reality became a larger problem over time.

To my dismay, one morning after he had been to a dance, Mike said he had talked to two different women about our sexual issues. To make matters worse, both were women he often "hyper-focused" on. Mike told them I "couldn't keep up with him", that he had a higher sex drive than I did. He told them he wanted to have sex seven or eight times a day, and they (according to Mike) indicated they would love that. It would be a blessing, not a curse.

I asked if they understood what he was saying. I felt they could have sex seven or eight times on SOME days, but not every day. I pointed out that one of them was in a demanding university program. I felt it would be impossible for her (as it was for me) to accommodate his constant need while meeting her daily obligations. I pointed out that he masturbated for an hour, twice a day, WHILE I was at work. But he was validated by their answer and felt assured that our problem was my low sex drive. And my inability to completely submit.

When I discussed this with a therapist later, I described the problem this way:

Mike was thirsty, and he felt sex would quench that thirst. But sex was like... soda when he needed water. He thought it would satiate him, but it just dehydrated him more.

SEX AND SLEEP

Mike and I were at an impasse, he would never desire less sex and I could not produce more hours in the day. He offered a solution he called "sleepy sex". He could have sex with me at night while I slept. I believe he said it had helped with a previous partner. So, for the next year that is what we did. I would have sex a few times during the day, as much as I could, and he would "supplement his needs" while I slept. He could stay up all night "doing me", since he had no daytime obligations, then sleep while I worked. Mike was often awake and masturbating by the time I returned home. If I woke up while he was "having his way with me", I would pretend to remain asleep so I would not break his concentration. I felt like a living blowup doll.

I was devastated when Mike eventually told me he enjoyed sex with me more while I was asleep, because he could focus completely on himself and never had to worry about my pleasure.

IS "SLEEPY SEX" RAPE?

A month or so after I left Mike, I let two people know about the "sleepy sex". They both felt that it was rape, that you could not consent while unconscious. I insisted that it was not rape. I had consented, just not at the moment of the act. I pointed out that he checked in periodically, once every few months, to make sure it was still okay. I told him "absolutely", I felt it relieved me of a burden.

But one morning, while thinking about an incident that had ripped me to my core, I changed my thinking about sleepy sex. Really about all of our sex...

RAPE ON TAPE

Mike and I had gone out drinking one night and I had exceeded my limit. I "crashed hard" when we got home and was oblivious to the world. I woke up gagging, not because I had been drinking, but because Mike's penis was in my mouth. He had never tried to use my mouth for sexual gratification while I slept before, and I certainly had not given him permission.

I think my reaction speaks volumes about where our relationship was at that time. I chose not to interrupt what he was doing, which would definitely have lead to a severe argument. Rather, I entered "porn star mode" to try and speed things up. I knew the faster Mike finished, the sooner I could go back to sleep. I played the "OMG, I love this" card, which worked. As I went back to sleep, he switched positions to resume more traditional "sleeping sex".

Mike always watched porn on his phone during these encounters. When I woke up the next morning, he was still having sex with me. I was horrified to realize he was watching a video of me from the night before.

Remembering this always makes me nauseous. Just thinking about it feels like a violation. Now, when I am being honest with myself, I know this is a video of Mike raping me. That brutal truth, once I was ready to handle it, led me straight to another realization. Since I was living with constant manipulation, coercion and the threat of violence, it would be difficult to say ANY of our marital sex was consensual.

THE TROUBLE WITH CLOTHING

One incident, by far, was the most disturbing thing related to sex and sexuality. It occurred just before the end of our relationship and was directed at my daughter, Lily. When Mike moved in, Lily and I had an open door policy. Both of my kids were welcome to enter my room, she was just the child who actually did. Lily and I shared clothes, more tops and dresses than pants, because I am taller.

Mike did not want Lily to come into our room at all, mostly because he was often in the room masturbating. Once in a while he would say he did not want Lily wearing my clothes, but I was trying to maintain the culture we had before he moved in. Other shifts that had to be made in our house had already disrupted the family dynamics enough.

Lily and I never stopped exchanging clothes, although Mike would say he did not like or understand it. I felt it should have no affect on him and didn't know why he cared either way. But two weeks before the assault at the beach, I got a crash course in the “magical properties of clothing".

I am not sure what the argument started over, it could have been damn near anything. I was trying to keep the peace for our last month together, but the odds were stacked against me. Mike was in the doorway of the closet. I was inside, aware that my only path out was blocked. He was really frustrated that Lily had borrowed my dress. I was having trouble diffusing the situation because I still didn't understand his objection. I decided to try something unconventional, and asked him a direct question.

“Why do you care if she wears my dress?!!”

His response changed me forever. It is one of those things you wish you could "unknow".

Mike said that because the attraction he felt for me was attached to certain items of clothing, when Lily wore those items his attraction "rubbed off on her". He was "forced" to become attracted to her through a “transfer of lust”. Now, because of me, he was lusting after my seventeen year old daughter, his step-daughter. How could I! He had warned me!

MY REACTION

Internally, as he explained the clothing, issue I was thinking:

My decision to move was a good one

My decision to end the relationship covertly, wise

I would be ensuring my daughter didn't sleep at home for the next two weeks

I was not at fault for his feelings and actions

His problems clearly pre-dated our relationship

My family was in grave danger, more than I could have imagined

For the first time, I feared for our lives. And yet, even then, I did not attach the word "abuse" to what was happening.