Wide Awake Part Three: Historical Context

By ReclaimMyLife

THOSE WHO FAIL TO LEARN FROM HISTORY ARE DOOMED TO REPEAT IT

Over the course of our relationship, I heard bits and pieces of stories from Mike's past. I learned that fallout from some of his romantic relationships had almost destroyed the dance community where we used to live. When Mike created our first dance instruction Facebook page, he included a quote about building community. A well-known and respected dancer from his previous scene commented that Mike does the opposite of building communities, that he tears them apart (I am paraphrasing). I was shocked by the message, at the time I could not understand the hatred and anger towards him.

Anger issues from his past were not limited to intimate relationships. We once left a restaurant in a hurry because Mike thought he had seen his old boss, who fired him after a physical confrontation. Mike was afraid he might call the police if he saw us. I wonder now if his former boss had a restraining order.

Over time, more troubling stories emerged. About a year into our relationship, as things were getting more dicey between us, he admitted to having similar issues in all of his previous long-term relationships. Everyone he had been involved with seriously had, for example, begun to feel insecure about their bodies.

He drew comparisons between our difficulties and those he'd had with his ex-fiance. Their relationship was volatile, like ours, and in his words had eventually become violent and abusive. My whole body became tense and I was speechless, scared. This was particularly concerning to hear with all of Mike's anger and impulsivity issues.

I was (unfortunately) relieved when he told me that she was the aggressor in the relationship. Mike told me that she would hit him and all he could do was take it. Mike claimed he had, on multiple occasions, left bruises on her forearms when he grabbed her in self-defense.

He also told me a story about the end of their relationship. Mike said his ex-fiance moved out of state, but that he thought they were still together, still planning to get married. He showed up unannounced one day and to his surprise, she was living with another man. He said that she called the police on him for trespassing.

It was after our final therapy session that I started questioning the validity of what I had been told about his past. He admitted to our therapist that he had crossed a line at the beach, that he physically assaulted me. She let him know that I was there so she could tell him what he was unwilling to accept from me. That is was over, and nothing he could do and no amount of time would change that. He stormed out before the end of the session. She told me that the story about his ex-fiance calling the police on him was a clear red flag and that I needed a therapist who specialized in trauma (I had asked to continue with her).

I started wondering about all of the warning signs I overlooked, things I believed thinly veiled rationalizations about. I contacted a few people from where we used to lived. I wanted to fill in the blanks. A message I received from one of his ex-girlfriends clearly revealed a pattern. It became crystal clear. He was getting more proficient at abuse, he was not impulsive, everything Mike did was disturbingly deliberate and calculated. The timing, location of bruises... everything!

I realized that I needed to press charges, immediately. I was in my car within two minutes of reading her message (see below), driving back to the beach to file a police report. Another realization hit me - eventually he would claim I abused him.

This knowledge, more than anything else has eroded my connections in the dance community. Knowing that Mike likely says things about me now that he said about previous partners and that he is trying to create a situation where my story will be dismissed, I have felt silenced.

One night at dance, a woman told me how hurt Mike was, how he was working hard to recover, and how she was trying to help him. She saw him as a remorseful victim. I wanted to scream! I wanted to point out that I needed to recover from the realization he tried to end my life. But instead, I just went home to cry myself to sleep.

MESSAGE WRITTEN BY A FORMER GIRLFRIEND

Hi! I am very sorry to hear about his behavior! I wish I could say I'm surprised, but unfortunately, I'm not. I never actually called the police on him, but I came very close a couple of times. I don't know how much help I'll be...I tried to eliminate that entire relationship from my memory, but if my story can help stop you & your family from being hurt any further, then I'll share what I can recall. I wish I knew her (his ex-fiancé’s) last name, but I don't :( I met her once, at a Christmas party (at which he left me alone, with a bunch of people I had never met, in a house I'd never been in, to 'talk' with her in an upstairs bedroom the entire night...some of them even offered to take me home because we didn't know if he ended up leaving me there). He's certainly not my favorite part of my past, but still something I have to acknowledge I suppose.

The worst moment/fight we had was during a dance exchange weekend. Everyone was at his house for the late night, & he was being an ass, so I was getting my stuff to leave when he came after me & started a yelling match during which, he grabbed my wrists & shoved me down (onto the bed, at least not the floor) while he kept yelling in my face... It was in a way that was very dismissive (to say the least) of me the entire time, & then he acted as though I was in the wrong for being upset with him. He did end up leaving marks on my arms, but I had grabbed him too, to keep him from doing anything further. I got scared of the whole situation & left as quickly as possible without telling anyone about it. I realized later, that I was young & stupid, & should have found a way to put a stop to it before he could actually hurt anyone else. For that, I'm sorry. He was always good at being a jerk & then deflating to behave like the victim (if I fought back at all, or it better suited his case). He could be rather manipulative, & again, I was young & stupid in thinking he was a part of me being happy and meeting new people in the dance scene...& I was afraid that (as he told me, more than once), people only tolerated me because I was with him. With me, it was more of the mental & emotional bullying/abuse, the physical wasn't always an issue, but I knew it could be, so I would stay away from him when he was worked up about something (which he used to accuse me of not communicating & avoiding...and yeah, I was avoiding getting hurt). I know this probably isn't much help legally, but if there's anything I can do, please let me know!

There were other victims in our dance community, although understandably they would like to remain anonymous. I have no doubt there are other recipients of inappropriate behavior, in our scene and elsewhere, who have not come forward. I respect their privacy. There are ramifications of coming forward as a survivor, and I would not wish them on anyone. But there have been questions I cannot answer fully while maintaining this cloak of secrecy.

COMMUNITY DECISIONS

The question I have been asked most frequently by organizers of dance scenes and events, particularly during the months following my court proceedings is, “Do you feel Mike is a danger to others, other members of the community?”

I cannot begin to explain how hurtful this question was. It insinuated that my daughter and I did not require or deserve protection as members of the community.